The Inauguration of a Dictator With a Heart of Stone

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WASHINGTON, DC (APP) — For the first time in America’s history, inauguration day brought rain — cold rain, sleet, and snow flurries, to be exact. It was like the dark, stormy sky was a giant mirror reflecting the grief of millions, if not billions, of people.

As reported by Seth Meyers, the sun was just another star that refused to perform at Trump’s inauguration. But the White House was ready, as we watched Governor Chris Christie marching next to President Trump to a song entitled “Heart of Stone,” protecting Trump’s hair from Mother Nature with a very large umbrella. An aerial shot of the umbrella uncovered Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan imprinted on it in bright red letters: “Keep America Great. Exclamation Point.”

Even though President Trump has vowed to slash government spending, that did not stop him from ordering a wall to be built around the inauguration dais to keep out the wind. Reporters were unable to discover the cost of the wind wall, but can at least report that it was paid for by taxpayers. Unfortunately for Trump (but fortunately for the internet), we discovered that even billionaires cannot control Mother Nature.

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The argument over whether President Trump sports a toupee or a comb-over is finally over, thanks to a tiny bluebird that had the courage and audacity to fly past security. Some speculate that it’s the same bird that landed on the lectern in front of Bernie Sanders during a campaign speech last year, so the internet is calling it #BerniesBird. Trending on Twitter are hashtags that include #BBSavesTheDay, #BBImpeachedTrump, and #BB4President.

This enterprising bluebird first entertained the crowd by landing on the Bible during the swearing-in part of the ceremony, with undisclosed sources claiming it pooped on the book, while others reported that the bird actually pooped on President Trump’s hand.

Then, in a scene that appeared to be from the animated movie Snow White, friends of the bluebird flew into a circle around President Trump’s head, inspected his nest of hair, and proceeded to lift it completely off his head. It’s rumored that the Secret Service is still diligently looking for Trump’s expensive hairpiece.

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After much consideration, we have decided not to publish photos of a bald President Trump. We do not wish to cause our readers any fear or anxiety, although the photos are easily found on the internet. We also discussed the fear that causes people to cover up the fact that they’re going bald. Even though stars like Patrick Stewart celebrate the natural look, we can only imagine the level of insecurities which would cause the opposite reaction. In other words, as reporters, we’re trying to find a little bit of sympathy for President Trump (even though he’s just a bald, bullying asshole, who oozes ego out of every pore and is surrounded by sycophants and uneducated idiots).

Immediately after the inauguration, President Trump’s lawyers filed a lawsuit against Mother Nature and Hillary Clinton, calling the inauguration debacle a staged event. At one point in the lawsuit, Trump suggests the bluebirds were actually drones that were sent, of course, to make him look like a fool during the inauguration. In response to the lawsuit, Hillary Clinton tweeted, “Trump doesn’t need any help to look foolish. How long is this bald billionaire baby going to keep playing the blame game? Sad!”

As we watched President Trump’s fake blonde toupee fly away into the moody skies above, it sailed past an airplane with a sign that said, “WTF?” Further investigation discovered that a group calling itself #WomenEverywhere rented the plane and sign for the inauguration. When asked to clarify the message, a spokesperson for the group said it wanted to express, in one word, what women all over the world were feeling today.

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When asked about the inauguration debacle, President Trump said he was looking forward to the military parades scheduled for next month. “I’m thinking about having a gold throne made, so our soldiers can marvel at my awesomeness as they march by and salute my awesomeness. Think of all the jobs that will create!”

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The only good news we have to report is that the internet rumor about free weed being passed out at the inauguration appears to be true. BuzzFeed reports that a group called DCMJ passed out 4,200 free joints during Trump’s speech. The latest internet meme shows some poor pothead accidentally lighting up Trump’s toupee, resulting in a hospital visit and a near-death experience.

On board I’m the captain
so climb aboard
We’ll search for tomorrow
on every shore
And I’ll try
oh Lord I’ll try
to carry on

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Farewell, Obamas

I admit that I cried when Obama was first elected. (And I admit that I like Michelle Obama more than I like her husband.) As the first black president, Obama had to face a mountain of difficulties, yet he did it with reason, intelligence, style, and humor. He was a calm voice in the storm, as I hope he will continue to be. He will go down in history as the coolest president ever.

But more than all of that, I admired the love story between the president and First Lady. They are strong and proud individuals, made stronger together by their obvious love for each other. Good luck, First Family. We’ll miss ya.

http://www.mic.com/articles/150562/because-we-want-you-to-cry-here-is-a-catalogue-of-beautiful-obama-moments#.4HNIkEOv0

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/best-white-house-photos-2016_us_5866889ce4b0de3a08f814d9

Aml Maine · University of Houston
Likely Mrs. Obama will find ways to continue doing public good. I teach college courses to adult students, many of whom are veterans on the GI Bill. Many were enlisteds (not officers) who grew up in families with few options and joined the military for careers, then make the best of it with education. They RAVE about Mrs. Obama and her volunteer efforts to marshall corporate and nonprofit organizations to help military families with services like relocation assistance, family assistance while the enlisteds are deployed overseas, etc. I believe that history will show her to be one of the most admired First Ladies ever.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-legacy-womens-health_us_58595b7ce4b08debb78b2c47?st5cmmty1czy0t3xr

Obama’s signature health care law saved women $1.4 billion on birth control pills alone in 2013, the year after it went into effect. More than 55 million women now get their contraception and well-woman visits for free, and unintended pregnancy in the United States is at a 30-year low…

WASHINGTON, DC (Rueters) — For his last act in office, President Obama has ended the drug war. He signed a law that makes all drugs legal. The law includes dismantling the DEA. And now he leaves it all to President Trump…

There’s nothing wrong or sinful about feeling good

I believe we should have access to any and all treatments for pain, including cannabis. But I don’t want pain patients to think that if they switch to cannabis, it will be the only drug or treatment they’ll need to manage their pain. (Any drug is just one part of an overall pain management program.)

I’ve been very lucky to have access to a quality strain of cannabis in the last couple of months — one of those strains that are very hard to find. I’ve wondered if daily use of a good strain would be enough to manage my high pain levels (averaging about a 7 out of 10), but I think that’s about false hope. Cannabis is great, but it’s not a wonder drug. Of course, everyone’s experience will be different, but I think I’ve had enough experience throughout the past 3+ years to reach some conclusions.

If I had a choice (which I do not), I would probably choose a combination of cannabis and a painkiller to treat my pain. The addition of a painkiller would allow me to smoke less cannabis, and the cannabis would allow me to keep my painkiller usage to a minimum. I might even add a muscle relaxer at night, because the muscles in my face deserve more rest than I’m able to provide.

If I was able to add a painkiller to my pain management program, I might be able to take a walk every other day, instead of once or twice a week. I might be able to lose some weight. With a little extra pain relief, I might not think about death so much. I might think that I have some kind of survivable future. There’s even a possibility that I’d be able to regularly clean my toilet. (Okay, maybe not.)

When I was taking a bucket full of prescription medications, I relied on them to manage my pain. Maybe I relied on them too much, but that’s only because, out of all the treatments I’ve tried, prescription medications worked the best. I think that’s true for most people. I think it’s true that a lot of acute and chronic pain is best controlled with painkillers. (Patients aren’t given high doses of antidepressants before surgery.) Maybe the opioid war advocates would agree with me on that, but would disagree about how long we should be allowed to use opioids to manage pain. After all, according to the other side, anyone who swallows a pain pill has a high risk of becoming a drug addict. (And what’s worse than being a drug addict? Maybe a murderer?)

I read an article recently about how cannabis affects the part of the brain that deals with your sense of time. I’ve been thinking about that…

I know that being in constant pain makes time go by very slowly. Twenty-four hours feels like a week, not one day. And then I thought about the occasions that I’ve felt “high” from a drug. You know, the shameful high that almost all pain patients deny they experience with painkillers. The high that drug addicts chase on a daily basis. The high that makes you feel good artificially because it’s from a drug. The feel-good high that is really what the drug war is all about.

Within that high — a possible side effect of some drugs — is a distortion of time. That relief allows time to float, almost fly by, as if you lost 10 pounds and your feet had wings. As if a heavy burden had been lifted just a little, allowing a tiny taste of freedom inside your prison of pain. (Everyone’s prison of pain is different, caused by mental and/or physical pain.)

Does it feel good to get high? You betchya. However, it’s not like that good feeling lasts very long. But it can last long enough to, say, take a walk (or scrub your toilet). Or the high can work as an incentive — a reward for doing the painful thing that you really don’t want to do.

I suppose it’s all about what you do with the high. Those who suffer from addiction will always be chasing the high, and because of the drug war, will always be shamed and criminalized. Looked down on for suffering from a medical condition that most people think is a choice.

Those who suffer from constant pain will always be chasing after relief, and because of the drug war, we are now treated like those who suffer from addiction.

I’d just like to point out that the high I’ve been talking about gives relief to both pain patients and drug addicts. Look down on that high if you will, but it serves a purpose. The pleasure centers in our brains are there for a reason. They’re activated not only by drugs (including caffeine and chocolate), but also by things like friendship, caring, sex, love, risk, and winning.

Good feelings are part of being human. Unfortunately, so is pain. But just like humans are not meant to feel constant pleasure, we’re also not meant to be in constant pain. We’re not meant to feel depressed every single day, and if we do, that means our brains are out of balance. We’re not meant to feel constant fear and anxiety, and if we do, that means our brains need help.

Being human means we have to suffer, but when pain reaches a level where death is preferable to life, then our brains need help. Not help for a couple of weeks or months, but constant help. The pain is constant. The help has to be constant, too.

Sometimes the help we need will include the high from drugs. Let’s stop looking down on the high. There’s nothing wrong or sinful about feeling good.

Inspiration Never Dies

Quotes by Carrie Fisher:

“You know the bad thing about being a survivor? You keep having to get into difficult situations in order to show off your gift.”

“At times, bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.”

“Shame is not something I aspire to.”

“Youth and beauty are not accomplishments.”

“I heard someone say once that many of us only seem able to find heaven by backing away from hell. And while the place that I’ve arrived at in my life may not precisely be everyone’s idea of heavenly, I could swear sometimes — I hear angels sing.”

http://www.indy100.com/article/debbie-reynolds-quotes-carrie-fisher-7500101

“Singin’ in the Rain and childbirth were the two hardest things I ever had to do in my life.”

http://www.azquotes.com/author/34544-Debbie_Reynolds

“The only way you learn is by failure.”

Holding My Breath

I want to hold my breath
Maybe that will stop death
Cannot control this distress
Such sadness must be expressed…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/carrie-fisher-wanted-her-fantastic-obit-to-read-something-like-this_us_5862cc3ce4b0eb58648769b1

“Now I think that this would make for a fantastic obit — so I tell my younger friends that no matter how I go, I want it reported that I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra.” Carrie Fisher

Thinking of you, Carrie Fisher

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Thank you for being a firecracker.

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http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-12-27/daughter-actress-and-author-carrie-fisher-dies-at-age-60

Little was off-limits in the show. She discussed the scandal that engulfed her superstar parents, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher (he ran off with Elizabeth Taylor); her brief marriage to singer Paul Simon; the time the father of her daughter left her for a man; and the day she woke up next to the dead body of a platonic friend who had overdosed in her bed.

“I’m a product of Hollywood inbreeding. When two celebrities mate, something like me is the result,” she said in the show. At another point, she cracked: “I don’t have a problem with drugs so much as I have a problem with sobriety.”

“She was funnier&smarter than anyone had the right to be,” Whoopi Goldberg wrote on Twitter Tuesday. “Sail On Silver Girl. Condolences Debbie & Billie.”

“Hail Hail! A genius has vacated this realm-RIP Carrie Fisher,” Roseanne Barr posted on the site.