The Inauguration of a Dictator With a Heart of Stone

WASHINGTON, DC (APP) — For the first time in America’s history, inauguration day brought rain — cold rain, sleet, and snow flurries, to be exact. It was like the dark, stormy sky was a giant mirror reflecting the grief of millions, if not billions, of people.

As reported by Seth Meyers, the sun was just another star that refused to perform at Trump’s inauguration. But the White House was ready, as we watched Governor Chris Christie marching next to President Trump to a song entitled “Heart of Stone,” protecting Trump’s hair from Mother Nature with a very large umbrella. An aerial shot of the umbrella uncovered Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan imprinted on it in bright red letters: “Keep America Great. Exclamation Point.”

Even though President Trump has vowed to slash government spending, that did not stop him from ordering a wall to be built around the inauguration dais to keep out the wind. Reporters were unable to discover the cost of the wind wall, but can at least report that it was paid for by taxpayers. Unfortunately for Trump (but fortunately for the internet), we discovered that even billionaires cannot control Mother Nature.

The argument over whether President Trump sports a toupee or a comb-over is finally over, thanks to a tiny bluebird that had the courage and audacity to fly past security. Some speculate that it’s the same bird that landed on the lectern in front of Bernie Sanders during a campaign speech last year, so the internet is calling it #BerniesBird. Trending on Twitter are hashtags that include #BBSavesTheDay, #BBImpeachedTrump, and #BB4President.

This enterprising bluebird first entertained the crowd by landing on the Bible during the swearing-in part of the ceremony, with undisclosed sources claiming it pooped on the book, while others reported that the bird actually pooped on President Trump’s hand.

Then, in a scene that appeared to be from the animated movie Snow White, friends of the bluebird flew into a circle around President Trump’s head, inspected his nest of hair, and proceeded to lift it completely off his head. It’s rumored that the Secret Service is still diligently looking for Trump’s expensive hairpiece.

After much consideration, we have decided not to publish photos of a bald President Trump. We do not wish to cause our readers any fear or anxiety, although the photos are easily found on the internet. We also discussed the fear that causes people to cover up the fact that they’re going bald. Even though stars like Patrick Stewart celebrate the natural look, we can only imagine the level of insecurities which would cause the opposite reaction. In other words, as reporters, we’re trying to find a little bit of sympathy for President Trump (even though he’s just a bald, bullying asshole, who oozes ego out of every pore and is surrounded by sycophants and uneducated idiots).

Immediately after the inauguration, President Trump’s lawyers filed a lawsuit against Mother Nature and Hillary Clinton, calling the inauguration debacle a staged event. At one point in the lawsuit, Trump suggests the bluebirds were actually drones that were sent, of course, to make him look like a fool during the inauguration. In response to the lawsuit, Hillary Clinton tweeted, “Trump doesn’t need any help to look foolish. How long is this bald billionaire baby going to keep playing the blame game? Sad!”

As we watched President Trump’s fake blonde toupee fly away into the moody skies above, it sailed past an airplane with a sign that said, “WTF?” Further investigation discovered that a group calling itself #WomenEverywhere rented the plane and sign for the inauguration. When asked to clarify the message, a spokesperson for the group said it wanted to express, in one word, what women all over the world were feeling today.

When asked about the inauguration debacle, President Trump said he was looking forward to the military parades scheduled for next month. “I’m thinking about having a gold throne made, so our soldiers can marvel at my awesomeness as they march by and salute my awesomeness. Think of all the jobs that will create!”

The only good news we have to report is that the internet rumor about free weed being passed out at the inauguration appears to be true. BuzzFeed reports that a group called DCMJ passed out 4,200 free joints during Trump’s speech. The latest internet meme shows some poor pothead accidentally lighting up Trump’s toupee, resulting in a hospital visit and a near-death experience.

On board I’m the captain
so climb aboard
We’ll search for tomorrow
on every shore
And I’ll try
oh Lord I’ll try
to carry on