Trump’s Mandatory Bidets


NEW YORK CITY (Rueters) — While president-elect Trump impatiently waits to take office, he’s making what he calls Presidential Proclamations (PPs). As detailed in Trump’s Twitter feed, “#PP1 is #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, #AmericaFirst, and #MadeInTheUSA, jobs, jobs, jobs.”

Trump’s second proclamation is allegedly tied to #PP1. He said he’ll mandate the addition of bidets in every public bathroom, from schools and airports to hospitals and prisons, creating thousands of jobs all across the country.

When speaking to reporters about #PP2 after his stop in Alabama this weekend for #ThankYouTour2016, Trump said that he loves bidets and knows every American will also love them. He went on to say that bidets are more sanitary than toilet paper and have been mandatory in Italy, Spain, and “some other country” (Portugal) since the 1970s.

“Americans will not only save money on toilet paper, bidets are also good for the environment,” said Kellyanne Conway, Trump surrogate and former pageant winner. This appears to be the first time Ms. Conway has ever spoken about the environment.

In North America, an estimated 36 billion rolls of toilet paper are used each year, and bidet use has been shown to drastically reduce the need for toilet paper.

Conway went on to say that Trump is a shareholder in a bidet manufacturing company with branches in China and Russia called #PussyRiotCleaner. He’s currently in negotiations to open a bidet plant in the U.S., although a location has yet to be determined.

Ms. Conway said there will be a contest open to the public to win the location of this plant and that further details would be announced sometime in the future.

Bill Gates, another shareholder in #PussyRiotCleaner, applauded #PP2, echoing Trump and Conway’s comments about bidets being good for the environment. Gates went on to say that, “Trump is a great guy, really. We’re gonna make lots of money together, all for the good of the American public.”

“This is a win-win situation for Americans and billionaires,” said former president Bill Clinton, another shareholder in Trump’s bidet company.

“I absolutely loved the bidet in the White House, used it all the time, couldn’t get enough of it,” said Mr. Clinton.

Former president George W. Bush said in an email that he’s currently working on a trio of paintings prominently featuring bidets.


13 thoughts on “Trump’s Mandatory Bidets

  1. I read things like this and all I can think is…”Is this for real?”
    I mean, really? This is what the ummm, president, is worried about.
    a bidet in every pot?
    Every time I read about this man making money off his presidency it just infuriates me. That’s all this is, it’s a money making scheme.

    Liked by 1 person

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