“I hate the person pain has made me become.”


Under comments:

Morgan Thorne

At the beginning of my ‘chronic pain journey’, I tried to stay positive and would never wish this on anyone else.

After 10 years of intense suffering, being told I’m faking or an addict, doctors who don’t care or openly mock me – I hope that every single one of them gets to live with the joys of CRPS. I’ve lost my career, family, friends, pretty much everything. Oh and when they beg for relief, I want to laugh in their face, the way so many have done to me. I want them to know that there is something that could ease their suffering, help them have a life, get a job (escape horrific poverty), but they aren’t worthy of it.

I hate the person pain has made me become.

I can so relate to this comment — losing everything and ending up isolated and encased in a bubble of unrelieved pain. Seems only fair that all of the opioid-war advocates should also have to suffer at some point.

Revenge would be sweet, when so much of life is not. Do I believe in revenge? Isn’t that how wars are started?

Lately, it seems like every time I interact with the public, I lose my temper. Yesterday, I actually got out of my car in the Walgreens parking lot to angrily address a couple of women who were rude to me. It appears my fear of guns was not strong enough to overcome my anger. Because you never know who’s carrying a gun in this country, especially a woman who would throw the f-word at a stranger (me).

I caused a scene in the Walgreens parking lot. I’ve never done that before. At first, I was just angry. Then, embarrassed. Now, I can’t help but laugh at myself. (Thank you, Bud Fairy.)

The scene of this crime occurred after I had waited in line for a long time at the pharmacy, just so I could have the privilege of buying my allergy medicine (which I have to do every 10 days, regardless of the weather or my pain levels).

However, the woman behind the Walgreens pharmacy counter was very nice, apologizing for keeping me waiting. I’m like, sorry, if my foot didn’t hurt so much, I wouldn’t be acting so irritated. I told her they needed more pharmacy staff and she said that wasn’t happening. She told me that the latest from corporate was how they wanted the pharmacy staff to open the locked restroom door for customers. She’s like, we’re too busy to handle additional responsibilities.

Seems like the answer would be to keep the restroom doors unlocked. But what do I know.

After Walgreens, I had to go to a specific grocery store for items I can’t get anywhere else. And guess what? The store didn’t have 2 out of the 4 items I needed. I get up to the register (after waiting in another long line) and it turns out I can’t buy the Dr. Pepper on sale unless I spend $25. (I should’ve known the special was too good to be true.) I’m like, if ya’ll weren’t out of these other items, I would’ve spent that much. Then I said, thanks anyway, left my cart blocking the customer behind me, and walked out of the store. (Can you feel my foot throbbing?)

Is this me being rude or my pain? And aren’t they one and the same?

So, I went to the same grocery store chain at a different location. And guess what? They actually had everything I needed. And the cashier was nice. We talked about how we both dislike coffee.

The purpose of this rant is to agree with Morgan’s comment: Sometimes I hate the person pain has made me become. Even though I knew that my irritation, anger, and impatience were due to pain, I couldn’t get past it. It felt like I wanted everyone else to feel the pain I was feeling. Because it’s so unfair that I no longer have access to adequate, affordable, and consistent pain relief, even for a broken foot.

As I was driving away from Walgreens, all I could think about was what I wished I had said to those rude women. I called one of the women “unfriendly” for dropping the f-bomb, when I really wanted to call both of them “white trash.” I’m not sure if that’s me talking or the pain.

Funny thing is, I was going to apologize for getting in their way (when the opposite was true), but their reactions were so freaking rude, I’m like, okay, now it’s on, dude…




The End. 🙂

9 thoughts on ““I hate the person pain has made me become.”

  1. Living with unremitting pain is like holding a heavy box without being allowed to put it down. The longer you hold it, the heavier it seems. Pain escalates – ask the pain experts (who are NOT the “doctors down the street” or the DEA, by the way.)

    When it takes so much to keep holding that darned box, the reserves to accommodate a$$hole behavior – ESPECIALLY from health “professionals” – become increasingly smaller. My advice? Vent your anger on the “professionals” who darn well SHOULD know better (or get out of the field!) Maybe if you let a bit of pressure out of your cooker, you’ll like how you feel a bit better.

    Living with any disability – physical or mental – wears you out over time. As a person who was, years ago, accused by a therapist of suppressing my angry feelings, there are days anymore when I wonder if I am ALL anger.

    I have those conversational do-over thoughts with the past too – and the person I am now would have commented MUCH more forcefully years ago, both in those therapy rooms and to unkind remarks from unthinking friends and strangers. I was not the one who needed to be so careful of another’s feelings! And you’re not either.
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 3 people

    • “Vent your anger on the ‘professionals’ who darn well SHOULD know better (or get out of the field!)”

      I’ve already done that. To the medical industry and the CDC, DEA, and State Medical Board. I’m pretty much done venting my anger on people who refuse to listen. Talking to a wall can just make a person even more angry. And as you say, we already have enough anger in our lives. Thank goodness for chocolate and memes. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      • I’m so sorry. And you are right that “talking to a wall” can increase anger – which is lousy for US and barely impacts them. Still, I don’t believe that “stuffing it” is healthy either. I have a few memorized phrases I try to deliver in a steely calm voice, staring them straight in the eye, ending with “If you aren’t willing or able to offer help, at least take pains not to be cruel.”

        I’m beginning an exploration of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), since my faith in arrogant Western allopaths gets weaker with every blog I read!

        Onward and upward! xx, mgh

        Liked by 2 people

      • Rude people are rude because they’re ignorant, and ignorant people don’t know any better because they don’t want to know any better. My advice: avoid rude, ignorant people (ha ha). 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. i liked every single thing you said in this post. it was all too true. and i don’t know if your general decreased patience today is related to being in pain (probably at least somewhat), but stupid and rude people really do send me on a rant. i had a day like that today, and i think it was just too many stupid and rude people in one day (cause for me it wasn’t pain). i almost got run over at the gas station parking lot by a car backing out from in front of the store, I was already behind them walking and waving my arms and shouting ‘there’s a person here, stop the car’. i had several cars cut me off right in front of red lights, only to go back to their original lane. glad you had some bud to settle yourself back down and see the humor in things. hope your foot gets better soon. and yes, btw, i DO think every person (doc, DEA, anyone remotely involved in pain treatment) should have to suffer the pain of chronic pain sufferers, at least for 6 consecutive months. I dare them to handle it as well as current pain sufferers who are being vilified and demonized. they make me so sick i could spit nails (or be ill).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think this lady was looking down at her phone, but I can’t be sure. I know she wasn’t paying attention. I’m like, dude, you almost gave me a heart attack.

      Thing is, it really wasn’t worth me getting upset over. I’m never going to see those women again. And even if I do, I just don’t care anymore. Thinking about it now, I’m going to prejudge them and say they’re probably voting for Trump (because they can’t recognize a misogynist when they see one).

      The other thing is, they probably have just as many problems as we all do. Perhaps their boyfriends just hit them or something, I dunno. On the other hand, I might be right, and they were just white trash bitches. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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