You can’t make people like you

You can try to fit in. Try not to say or do anything that might cause others not to like you. You can live in fear. Or you can be yourself. Since both take a lot of effort, which should you choose?

At the end of the day, if you’ve done your best to be true to yourself, at least you know who you are. It’s not easy, but it’s a good thing, this knowing who you are. Be confident that you know what’s right, especially what’s right for you. And don’t let other people treat you like shit just because they hold some kind of power over you. My power belongs to me, and only me, thank you very much.

Dedicated to my most recent Bud Fairy, now just another person who broke a little piece of my heart.

Thinking of you, Alex Jacobsen

A physician’s assistant told him she thought he was using too much of the anxiety drug Klonopin, he says. He disagreed. But she was also concerned about his occasional pot use, so she insisted he needed to taper off over 10 days that month.

Jacobsen agreed. “I’ve always wanted it to be true that I didn’t need anything,” he said…

The free discipleship program Jacobsen wanted to try offered to heal people of substance abuse, anger, depression and “the emotional residue left by mental, physical and sexual abuse” through prayer, Scripture memorization and building a closer relationship with God, according to its promotional materials.

One firm requirement for all participants: No mood-altering drugs.

I’d just like to point out that even sugar and caffeine are “mood-altering drugs.” Really, any drug that makes you feel better can alter your mood.

Jacobsen says he had his doubts that the program would work. But he wanted to try trading in his antidepressant and antipsychotic medication for a regimen of Bible study, amino acids and GABA supplements to reduce stress…

That same day, Alex Jacobsen messaged Hanges to say he was worried he wouldn’t be able to simultaneously discontinue his medications, which included Klonopin, Cymbalta and Latuda. He also worried that he would have too much “alone time” in the program, which, he said, might heighten his anxiety.

“Don’t back out of this again, man,” Hanges messaged back. “You won’t have that much alone time, trust me. This is what you need to do and you know that. I will help you get off the medications.” …

Hanges, who became certified online as a faith-based Christian counselor by the International Institute of Faith-Based Counseling in Texas…

Days after entering the program, Jacobsen said, he told Hanges he wasn’t feeling right and told him he was suicidal. Hanges, he said, thought the feelings would pass…

Medical professionals who treated Jacobsen told the family he could have died from suddenly quitting benzodiazepines such as Klonopin, often used to treat seizures or panic disorders. Sweating, insomnia, anxiety, fatigue, psychosis and suicidal thoughts are other withdrawal symptoms, according to research from the Society for the Study of Addiction. Many of the same symptoms also can occur from stopping Cymbalta, a drug for depression, and Latuda, the antipsychotic he was taking…

Suddenly quitting opioids can also cause the withdrawal symptoms mentioned above, including suicide, although you probably won’t find a doctor who will admit that.

He wants to know how a program claiming to provide drug treatment could be exempt from an Iowa law that requires licensing of such facilities.

He questions how a faith-based treatment program can operate without clinical expertise.

“They do not have the medical or psychological training to do what they’re doing,” Dave Jacobsen said. “If the state doesn’t require some sort of oversight, this will happen to other families.”

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Willie Nelson, where are you when I need you?

I spend a lot of time reading comments from other pain patients because that’s where the real stories are located, not in what is shamefully described as news these days. In these comments, there are plenty of patients advocating for medical cannabis. And while I’m also an advocate, I don’t believe in sugar-coating the reality of this industry.

Some pain patients advocate for replacing opioids with cannabis, apparently without even thinking about what that really means. Maybe these patients have no trouble affording an adequate supply of bud, and just don’t realize how difficult access can be when you’re poor and disabled.

Switching from opioids to cannabis is not an easy thing, and should be undertaken with as much preparation as possible (including financial). Tapering is essential. It will be a little easier for patients who rate their pain levels as moderate — like a 3, 4, or 5. But for patients who rate their pain over a 5, my recommendation would be a combination of a small amount of opioids with as much bud as you want.

I can’t help those patients who don’t have access to affordable and quality cannabis (which includes me). I read comments from pain refugees all the time, and the only advice I can offer is to move to a state with a program. But pick the program wisely, do as much research as you can, and don’t make the same mistakes that I did.

If I was rich, I would build an underground railroad for bud, transporting it all over the United States to help people like me. If black people could create an underground railroad for people, it can’t be too hard to build one for buds. Oh, I know underground drug markets already exist, but does one exist specifically for pain patients? Because I think our needs are a lot different than most other users.

Willie Nelson, where are you when I need you?

Fuck You, Bud Fairy

One of my connections was a chronic pain patient, personal grower, and veteran who wanted to trade pot for sex. When I said no, he told me to fuck off and refused to do business with me.

Another dude said he was also a chronic pain patient, personal grower, and veteran, but he wanted the same thing the first guy wanted.

There was a grower who said he supplied a handful of dispensaries in Albuquerque, but when I told him I wasn’t interested in dating, he disappeared.

There was the woman who seemed to have no problem stringing me along for days, only to finally reveal that she didn’t have anything.

Then there was the traveling couple who asked me to meet them in the middle of the night and never showed up.

Finally, there was the Donald Drumpf supporter, who told me he used some of his 401(k) funds to invest in gold, allegedly located in a German vault. Also a chronic pain patient, he went on and on about the great bud he had access to, but as it turns out, that was just talk. He wanted to charge me $22/gram for average bud and I told him to forget it — even the dispensaries can’t get away with charging that ridiculous price. He also brought over some Mexican brick weed, which I had never tried before (and never will again).

I could go on (and on), but even though the stories are sometimes different, the results are always the same — disappointment and anger.

I want to thank the DEA for causing me so much misery. But I also have to thank those pain patients who refuse to help other pain patients — and remind them that karma is a bitch.

Edit 5/19/2016: As it was embarrassingly pointed out to me, the Trump supporter wasn’t going to charge me $22/gram — I miscalculated because my head hurts. However, this wasn’t the only problem, so I’ll leave it at that.

What do I see? Take a walk with me…

Found these flowers at Walmart.

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Also found at Walmart.


Look, it’s Faith with her new haircut! (Of Oscar Dandelion fame.)

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Look, it’s Lisa from El Paso! (Whose nickname is Pickle.)

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I need Dilly Bars.

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What happens when you drink too much caffeine.


Angry bug.

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Sure, try to mask the taste of cigars with blueberry flavorings. (Good luck with that.)

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After I took this picture, a lady walking by asked me what I was photographing. I said, a feather.


She said, that’s a good thing to photograph.

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My neighbors.

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After this walk, do your feet hurt as much as mine did?

DHL scam


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One day, DHL will deliver my preferred medicine to my front door, and I’ll never have to look for bud again.