Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women

http://www.theonion.com/article/researchers-announce-they-dont-have-heart-reveal-w-52287

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Having difficulty looking gathered members of the press in the eye, researchers from the University of Virginia announced at a news conference Wednesday that they didn’t have the heart to reveal what a recent study determined will happen to one in five women in the U.S. “You really don’t want to know what our findings say 20 percent of all women are likely to experience in their lifetime—you’ve just got to trust us on this,” said lead researcher Simon Hart, taking a deep breath and struggling to keep himself composed, before adding that compiling and analyzing data from a survey of over 1,000 women across the country had left him and his colleagues “a little messed up.”

“If I could, I would erase from my mind every one of the results that our research team uncovered. It’s just…I…I just don’t have it in me to say what we concluded. For your sake, I think we’ll keep that to ourselves. Excuse me.” A teary-eyed Hart then reportedly walked off stage, called his wife and daughter, and told them he loved them very, very much.

Sometimes I wish I had a category called “Hysterically Funny Stuff. Seriously, Click On This Right Now. Don’t Waste Any Time. Now, Dammit! Now!” 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women

  1. By the age of 60, 1 in 3 women will have had a hysterectomy. Apparently, nature gave women extra parts that need to be surgically removed. Either that or people need to learn to question doctors who earn megabucks from unnecessary surgeries like this. I vote for the latter.

    Liked by 1 person

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