Republicans: State’s rights! (Except for the drug and immigration wars.) Individual rights! (Except for women.) We love job creators, religion, and rich people — that’s the future of our country.
Democrats: We have no beliefs. We’ve caved into the Republicans so often and for so long, we’ve become one of them. (Rich people rule!)
Liberals: Equality. Empathy. No more war. (Free bud for everyone!)
Libertarians: This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Tea Partiers: Shut down all federal agencies, including Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid, but keep my checks coming. And get off my lawn!
Donald Trump for Republicans: I’m a joke, and now everyone thinks the Republican party is a joke. (Free toupees for everyone!)
Hillary Clinton for Democrats: I believe in women’s rights, but corporate rights are more important. (And okay, I admit I’m really a Republican… Free tax evasion for everyone who can pay for it with political donations!)
Bernie Sanders for Liberals: Let’s end the drug war, then we can work on ending all the other wars. You might not agree with everything I say, but I’m fair and I’m tough, and I’m running for the people. (Nothing’s free.)
Rand Paul for Libertarians and the Tea Party: Federal government bad (but keep my paychecks coming). Freedom means we should all get to do whatever we want. (Free guns for everyone!)