How to spot a dick on Craig’s List

This is a fictional story…

Dick:  One of my bud connects should be here in a few hours and will ask him for prices to give you when he he gets here.

Me:  One of your connections? You have more than one? Lucky dude.

Dick:  I barely even smoke weed. Im just trying to help you out. But ill email you later. Im just waiting for my friend to come over that happens to sell weed. Hes coming over for a different reason involving a job.

Me:  Your efforts on my behalf are much appreciated, gracias.

Dick:  80$ quarter

Me:  Sounds okay, especially if it’s quality.

Dick:  Waiting for my friend to get here so i can ask him for his prices and see if i can get some with me when i get to you so theres no back and forth waiting cause we both dont want that and also to get you a connect directly so you dont need me when you need it. I dont care for making money for helping you i care about having friends in my life that are there for me. I also work as a caregiver if your interested let me know. Paying me could be rent if you needed or wanted a roommate at the same time and a caregiver to clean or whatever for you. I dont have my own car yet but i do have i man will have a new drivers lisence and a good driving record too.

Me:  Well, if you don’t have a car, I don’t understand how you’ll be able to come by my apartment. If your friend isn’t able to come by, then I guess I could come to you, depending on how far away you live. It would be nice to have your first names and a general description, so I don’t let some stranger into my apartment.

I’ve lived alone for decades, as it’s the best way for me to manage my pain. And I’m not yet ready for a caregiver, although I assume I will need one sometime in the future.

I also appreciate a good friend, so if you’re able to help me out, I will owe you. Since I don’t have a lot of money, I’m not sure how I can repay this debt, but I will think of something.

Later, dude.

Dick:  The bus and trust me i walk alot. My name is *****. I live with a friend for now way up here by tramway. Bus is only 2$ for a day pass and will save time in between for now. Unless you know someone else i do have to wait for my connect to get to me first. And as far as normal bud if u wanted a big amount of that it will range from 140$-170$ for 4 oz. Or 200$-400$ half pound to a pound. Thats for regular bud and not for medical or chronic. My main bud connect is medical. 10$ for half g. And 70-90$ for a quarter. His stuff is garenteed quality and so are my other two friends as well. I want you to meet at least two of them for your self so as to have only one or two people to get what you need when you need it with out the use of calling or texting me to be on your way to feeling better and less pain and suffering.

Me:  I appreciate all your help, but there’s no way I’m paying those prices, no matter how good the bud is. And I’m not interested in buying weak weed, no matter how cheap it is. I don’t want to continue suffering, but I’m not going to be ruled by my need for bud.

Since I left the state’s program, I’ve had about 6 different connections. And I’ve found quality bud in this market for as little as $9/gram. The only income I’ve got is my disability check, so your sources are way out of my price range.

Dick:  If i had it myself you would be set but im not the person that picks up that much at one time to turn a profit into much more. Im just the good friend that helps other good friends out with stuff like this. Most of them have there own and are not as nice as am about not getting anything out of it as long as i can trust you to bring my connect some business without over paying to get it than my connect will return the favor to me without me having to pay for anhthing. Which than goes to those of feiends that a real to me in smoking when i have it and they dont. Cause i hate smoking alone all the time. But give me time my main connect gets off in a n hour and he has a car and very very reliable. Just gotta get little stuff outta the way so u have a direct connect with him.

Dick:  My friend gets off at 9.

Me:  Earlier you said your friend would be getting off in an hour. Now it’s 9pm. Dude, seriously, I appreciate your help, but right now I’m wondering what this is all about…

Dick:  Whatever than the first time always takes awhile and not gonna give my friend trust in ypu when i havent even met you.

Me:  You also said you needed to talk to your friend to ask about pricing, then you give me a full price list, and then you say you still need to ask your friend about prices. The inconsistencies in your responses have not been comforting.

Dick:  Ok i was also trying to get you the most reliable one. Do you still want that quarter sorry its late timing.

Me:  Since I don’t sleep much, it’s never too late. And if we’re talking about the $80 quarter, yes, I’m interested. But if it’s weak, then that will be the last time we do business. However, for you to have to take a bus all the way to my apartment for this seems like asking too much. I’m wondering what you want in return… Anyway, it’s not like you can catch a bus at this time of night.

Dick:  Let me double check this friend gets medical all the time and either 80$ or 90 is that ok? And just this one time can i get a bowl or two from you only cause ive have a whole lot of job stuff on my mind. But more importantly can you come to me? Sorry its late and im way over here by tramway.

Me:  You remind me of one of my past connections. He had a habit of skimming off the top and over-charging me, even though I gave him extra money for gas, home-baked goods, and some men’s shirts I had collected in the past. (I think I’ve mentioned that I’m poor.) Then he came over one day, I gave him $150 for some bud, and I never saw him again.

I’ve learned valuable lessons from all of my past connections.

I don’t like driving at night as my vision isn’t very good and I have two bad tires, so nothing’s happening tonight. But if we do something tomorrow, I’m gonna expect you to have a scale and not take anything off the top until my purchase is weighed in front of me.

I understand why you don’t want to connect me with this friend, but for every person between me and the product, it costs me extra. I can’t afford that. I am more than willing to smoke a joint with you, but I can’t afford to give away my medicine.

Your move.

Dick:  My connect happens to be way over here too. My other two people are out of bud right now and this one is the most reliable anyways plus on other times he will deliver to you after he gets to know you.

Me:  He can’t get to know me if he doesn’t meet me. The last connection I made from Craig’s List didn’t have any problem arriving at my door one day later.

Dick:  Im gonna ask him if i can give you his cell number ok. Than you wont need me at all. I dontcare if you give me anything. Im just that one in a million thats nice enough to ask my friend that for you. Give me a few min. And if he does ill text you his number and his name ok

Me:  Did you forget that I don’t have a phone?

After that, I never heard from Dick again. But he’s not through hearing from me:

Me:  I can’t decide if you’re a selfish dickhead or a lying sack of shit, probably because you’re both. How many unsuspecting people have you pulled this stunt on? I’m so glad I didn’t drive across town just so you could smoke a bowl. May karma kick you in the head and spit out your teeth.

I can’t stress this enough:  This is a fictional tale.

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