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WASHINGTON, DC — A media spokesperson for the Drug Enforcement Agency announced on Friday that agents arrested Mr. Moon at his home in space this morning. He is being held behind bars for contributing to, and assisting in, the marketing of illegal drugs throughout the world.

According to the complaint, the DEA alleges that Mr. Moon supplies free lighting on a daily basis, allowing criminals to do their work under the cover of night. It further states that 80% of crime takes place at night, according to the latest CDC report entitled “Locking Our Doors At Night Keeps Americans Safer.” (Report funded by Amazon, maker of CDC-approved locks.)

Mr. Moon released this statement from his jail cell:

I am but an innocent bystander to the human condition, providing a night light for all, without prejudice or discrimination. I am more than willing to prove my innocence, but holding me behind bars serves no purpose. The Earth needs me to function, which means humans need me, too. Is the DEA prepared to take responsibility for what will happen to the Earth without my presence in the sky?

DEA spokesperson Donnie Frump said in an email that NASA has been alerted and is fully prepared to handle any planetary problems arising from Mr. Moon’s incarceration. This preparation includes requests to Congress for additional funding.

According to a White House source, it is the opinion of almost every Republican in Congress that “there is no such thing as climate change and putting Mr. Moon behind bars won’t change that.” Efforts by Democrats to explain the importance of lunar effects on the Earth were unsuccessful. In an emergency effort to pass the NASA funding bill, Neil DeGrasse Tyson was called in front of yet another congressional committee (whose name escapes me at this time), but the only comment made by a Republican congressman during the hearing was related to the colorful vest Dr. Tyson was wearing.

A bail hearing in the criminal case against Mr. Moon has been set for next week. Federal District Attorney Mary Martinez said that she will be asking the judge to deny bail because of the potential flight risk. She will also be asking for a change of venue to Guantanamo Bay and a ban on media coverage, citing potential threats to national security.

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Transcript of pirated Moon Podcast
Saturday, September 5, 2015

Hello to all my spoonies out there
And to all you honeymooners
Greetings tycoons and buffoons
Hola to raccoons and baboons

Sorry I can’t be there
to help you reflect
By order of the DEA
I’ve been summarily decked

But you know Mr. Moon’s spirit
cannot be caged for long
It’s just a matter of time
a matter of right and wrong

I’m a crooner, not a criminal
an honest-to-god original
and tonight for the medicinal
I bring you a Moon Hymnal:

You have a right to be stupid
and a right to be smart
A right to be light
and a right to be dark
A right to be round
and a right to be square
A right to like apples
and a right to like pears

Drugs are not evil
and neither am I
I know I’m no saint
but I never lie

I’m always in the sky
I watch you all the time
I know all your secrets
I know of all your crimes

But unlike the NSA
Mr. Moon doesn’t track
And unlike the DEA
the sun has my back

Don’t worry about me
Don’t worry ’bout a thing
Just respect each other
and continue to sing

You know, I can hear you
wherever I am
I can hear you quite well
when no one else can

Mr. Moon signing out
but never for long
keep your fingers crossed
and your eye on the bong

(Photos taken on 8/31/2015.)

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