WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the Institute For The Preservation Of Butterflies (IFTPOB) have released a report about a subset of butterflies who suffer from drug addiction, specifically to grape-flavored pollen.

Most of the colorless and light-colored butterflies in this patient population suffer from low self-esteem and anxiety, especially in social situations with other butterflies. They are sometimes shunned by both their families and the rest of butterfly society because of their lack of color. Many also suffer from a condition called Hairymyalgia, which creates painful and unflattering side effects, including the growth of unwanted body hair.

Grape pollen has been known throughout history as a successful treatment for butterflies who suffer from chronic pain, so lots of purple flowers have been specifically planted for this purpose. But many of these patients have ended up spending all their time drinking purple nectar, finally turning their backs on the society that has shunned them. As you can imagine, those privileged enough to be in society don’t like being ignored.

The IFTPOB researchers estimate that about 4% of the butterfly population suffer from Grape Pollen Syndrome and are declaring it an epidemic, even though grape pollen is not a harmful drug. They are also raising alarms about a similar problem in the bee population. Their recommendations to the Bug Medical Board include banning all flowers that have any hint of purple in them (and maybe blue, too).

The Bug Medical Board has yet to respond to the IFTPOB, citing its requirement to discuss the matter with the DEA first.

(Photo taken 8/27/2015.)

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