Yes, this is my wrist, scarred by pain and desperation.  These scars represent days when my pain was at a level 10, not attempts at suicide.  See, I’ve read that cutting releases endorphins, and those endorphins can decrease pain.  (I also saw it on an episode of House, one of my favorite TV shows.)  And as I’ve tried almost every other way to manage my pain, I thought it was a good idea to try this one.  I mean, if I’m willing to try treatments like hypnosis, why not something like this?

Of course it didn’t work.  The cutting just left scars, which I used to be embarrassed about, but now I rarely even notice.  These scars are like my stretch marks from pregnancy — they show what this old body has been through.  They are like… badges of courage.

Today is a bad pain day for me, and I confess that I’ve thought about trying to release some of that pain by causing myself more pain — attempt to distract myself from the pain in my head by causing pain in another part of my body.  In theory, it should work.  But in practice, it doesn’t help — nothing could distract me from this level of pain.  I know that, but sometimes, desperation doesn’t make any sense.

What would decrease my pain levels are things I don’t currently have access to, like hydrocodone and medical cannabis.  I’m telling you, the drug war (and Unum) is slowly killing me, just like my constant pain.

So, if you read these words, please support your state’s medical cannabis program, if one exists. And if not, please support the creation of this kind of program in your state or country.

Because desperation is never pretty.

24 thoughts on “This Is What Desperation Looks Like

  1. ((Hugs)) such a shame there are things available that could help but the powers that be aren’t supportive. You’re very brave to share this and I hope it will get people thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I support not only medical cannabis programs, but full legalization of cannabis, and the low cost and ease of supply that entails. I hope your pain eases somewhat, 10 scale days are pretty awful. I bet that 10 has gone up quite a bit over the first time you called it a 10 too, huh? May something cause it to go to an average person’s 0.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What I find interesting about pain, (mental or physical), it is unbiased. Pain will attack a person regardless of social status, economic wealth or lack of, ethnicity or gender. Pain does not have a “type” for a lack of a better term. Pain is also universal, no ones pain is greater than anyone else’s pain, it’s all horrid. It’s how people proceed with pain in their life is the difference. I hope you take care of yourself, will pray for you, if you believe or not.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand the desire to shift the pain somewhere else or have it lifted completely out of your body. I’m sorry you are having this level of pain. I hope the positive energy being sent out to you touches you and helps if even just a little bit to get some relief

    Liked by 1 person

  5. People who have never experienced extreme pain might not be able to believe the depths of despair it can drive you to. In this mental state you will do just about anything to try and escape. For what it’s worth I understand and wish you didn’t have to discover just how terrible a thing desperation truly is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not just a matter of experiencing such high levels of pain — it’s suffering from constant pain on a daily basis for 30 years. It’s trying every treatment and getting little, if any, relief. It’s treatments that make the pain worse. It’s fear of how bad the pain will get in the future and fear of additional medical conditions that could make the pain worse. It’s about the fact that there is no escape from the pain, no matter what.

      Many in the medical community would equate desperation with depression, and I’m not depressed. I’m in constant, high levels of pain, and there’s a difference.

      Thanks for reading and your comment. I know I’m not the only one who’s suffering.


  6. I am so very sorry you have to experience this. The sorry state of our health care system which makes it difficult or impossible for the poor to get the kind of treatment they need makes me sick, and the drug war is just plain stupid. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Thank you for bringing this matter in the open. You have a lot of courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I never imagined doing something like this… until I was so out of my mind with pain that I did it myself.

    The first time was when my doc tried to wean me from opioids because the were “bad for me” (even though they were working well). I had a flare of visceral pain that would not let up and as I was rolling around in bed and crying, I started digging my nails into and gouging my forearm. The shift of pain from deep in my abdomen to the surface of my arm was a sweet relief, though short-lived.

    I never understood self-injury until I started doing it myself. Now I know how necessary this kind of behavior can be in situations of great agony. It’s not destructive as most people believe – it’s life-saving when in desperate enough circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t know where you are, I found you through All Things Chroinic’s blog. But, if you are in the US, I found something that might help you. Look up Realm of Caring. and CW Botanicals. This is legal in the US. It is high CBD cannabis strains, it doesn’t have the THC in it. It helps relieve pain without getting you high. Talk to the people at Realm of Caring and see if they think it might help you….it couldn’t hurt to look into it.
    They are very understanding and helpful.
    I hope you find relief.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dude, you’re still on my blog. But don’t worry, others have also been confused as to whose story is whose. This is part of my story, so when I’m using my own words, I don’t use italics. Sorry for the confusion. 🙂


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