Who the fuck am I?

Perhaps this is a warning for other WordPress bloggers… If you challenge me, I’m very likely to respond…


When I became ill I was not in a relationship. Now I can’t see how it will ever be possible to start a relationship.  I’m in pain every minute of every day…

Besides, I’m taking so much pain medication I don’t know if I could think clearly long enough to get to know someone sufficiently to decide if I would want to be in a relationship with them…

Under comments:

mysmallsurrenders says:

This post isn’t about feeling hopeless, feeling broken, or wanting someone to take care of me.

If I wasn’t clear it’s about having my senses and body so numbed from being in constant pain and taking so much pain medication that I feel nothing I can call desire. I have intimate friendships. I’m talking about a different kind of human interaction that would require me to feel like I want to be physically close to someone else. I can’t even go for a massage let alone think of someone touching me intimately.

And I have no idea how others suffering from pain may feel. I can only talk about me, and what I’m living with, and how I feel.

painkills2 says: 

I’m sorry if you took offense at my comment. Your post sounded like you were saying that you’re broken — why else would you need all that pain medication? But, if the pain medication has had these kinds of effects, maybe you should lower the dosage.

At my pain levels, I don’t like to be touched either. I gave up relationships and sex about 20 years ago because of the pain. So, I guess it depends on what is more important to you — managing your pain or having an intimate relationship. Although, one can have and do both, if you’re lucky and try hard enough. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

And maybe if you wondered what others suffering from pain feel about issues like this, you might get a little more insight into different ways of managing your own pain.

mysmallsurrenders says:

I didn’t take offense. Although, I think you may not understand what I wrote in my post. I never used the word “broken” to describe myself or my situation. Not only that, why do you feel like you’re in a position to comment about my pain medications? You don’t know the combination of what I’m taking or why. There are days when I’m in so much pain I can barely stand up straight even with the strict schedule of meds I’m on. Furthermore, without meds I wouldn’t be able to live independently as limited as my life has become.

Why do I feel like I’m in a position to comment about your pain medications?  Well, let’s count the ways, shall we:

1. I was responding to what you wrote.  If you don’t want comments, perhaps you should turn them off.  Or if you don’t like my comments, just don’t approve them for publication.

2. I’ve been an intractable pain patient for almost 30 years.  In other words, I’ve been there, done that.  I was on more prescription medications than you will ever be on, mysmallsurrenders. And yet, I never felt a lack of desire — the will was always there, it was just the way that, well, got in the way.  And let’s just take a minute to think of how hard it was for me to admit that it’s been 20 years since I’ve had sex… I wonder, mysmallsurrenders, how long has it been since you’ve had sex?

You also describe being in constant pain and not being able to “think clearly” because of your medications — and then you say you’re not broken?  You’re in so much pain that you sometimes can’t stand up straight, and you don’t think you’re broken?  Is it the word “broken” that you have a problem with?

I was not suggesting that you stop taking your medications.  But with the side effects you are describing and experiencing, I was only suggesting that a reduction might help.  Or maybe even switching to a different medication.

3. As I said, I’ve been there and done that.  I am your future, mysmallsurrenders.  You are my past.  Learn from me or not, it’s your choice.

4. I took a bucket full of prescription medications every day for about 10 years.  After a torturous and forced detox, I am now free of pain pills, muscle relaxers, anti-anxiety medications, and prescription sleep aids.  Whether you want to believe it or not, mysmallsurrenders, this is what your future looks like too.  There are very few chronic pain patients who are allowed to take these drugs for decades.  And as long as you take these drugs, you will be wondering when your doctors and pharmacist will cut off the supply.  You have to constantly not only prove your pain levels, but be assessed for drug addiction every time you see your doctors.  And if your drug test results ever show anything suspicious, you’re out on the street.  (It goes without saying that drug tests are not error-proof.)

5. It took a long time of suffering from constant pain for me to finally try opioid therapy.  As far as I was concerned, there was nothing else to try.  It was my last option, especially living in Texas, where there is no medical cannabis program.  And while I was taking all those drugs, you would not have been able to convince me there was another way.  I was forced into finding another way and I was lucky to be able to move to another state.  So, I know that nothing I say will make a difference to you, mysmallsurrenders, at least not at this time.  You’re not ready to hear what I have to say.  Which is why I’m saying it here, on my blog, and not responding on yours.

I’m sorry if some pain patients don’t like what I have to say.  I mean, who the fuck am I?  I’m an avatar on the internet.  A stranger.

And even though I’ve walked dozens of paths as an intractable pain survivor, I expect no one to follow the roads that I’ve traveled.  Every pain patient has to walk their own path.  But, a warning:  Don’t get stuck in the day-to-day battles and forego looking into the future — whatever future you want and whatever future you’re likely to get.  Because you’ll be freaking surprised when your future arrives and you weren’t prepared.  Good luck out there.

4 thoughts on “Who the fuck am I?

  1. Sometimes people feel offended on someone trying to show empathy while they are in pain .. And its not easy for someone in pain to accept that they are broken inside and need little help to cope up. I see you were trying to understand the writers pain and the writer mistook you.
    2) well wen you share your personal things on public definitely its open for discussion until privacy option is configured . I think they should either welcome their views or discard it .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I see where the communication broke down and I think that both of you are right…It may be that the word “broken” is a trigger word for her. For me the word is “sad” — If I post a story about myself and someone calls it sad I want to tear them apart because I really don’t want to think someone else can see how sad it was…maybe she can’t bear the thought someone can see that she is broken.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your take on it, Robert. It’s my opinion that we are all broken, in some way, looking to be fixed. And the thing about chronic pain is that, usually, it can’t be fixed. I chased the possibility of fixing the pain for such a long time… and wasn’t prepared when my treatment options became even more restricted. Wasn’t prepared when they were taken away. Almost committed suicide. And I don’t want other pain patients to end up like that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m with you. I’m facing the same problem right now with my DID. I don’t know why it feels so out of control I only know that I must learn how to be as healthy as I can in spite of it—and If I can save someone decades of treatment for the wrong diagnosis by talking about it–then I will.

        Liked by 1 person

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