The prevalence of addiction in the roll-eating public.

Photo:  Ranch-style parsley yeast rolls, before butter.

Can you overdose on rolls?

To answer that question, I recently conducted an FDA-approved study, which included one participant, me.  I don’t know how many rolls I’ve eaten — I stopped counting after the third one. But the FDA doesn’t require that I keep track of silly information like that for my study, so it’s all good.

I made the drugs (I mean, rolls) for the study myself, as evidenced by this photo I took yesterday. This is my own creation, rolls that I rolled in a dry mixture of fresh parsley, garlic powder, and ranch dressing mix.  (Next, I may try jalapenos or fresh garlic.)

Since I’m the only participant in this FDA-approved-study-for-one, I ate all the drugs for the study myself.  (The rest I stored in the freezer.)  And I can report that they were delicious. Like, melt-in-your-mouth delicious. Seriously. (I think it’s the use of evaporated milk in the dough recipe.)

Did I put butter or cheese between the fluffy tops and bottoms, or did I coat some of the rolls with mayonnaise?  Again, the FDA doesn’t require that I keep track of this kind of information, so I didn’t write it down.  I would suggest that readers just use their imagination on this part.

I’ve concluded that no, you can’t overdose on bread or rolls.  And I’m living proof!  And I’ve written a study about it, too, see?  You can trust me.  Seriously.

However, I believe this drug (I mean, roll) can easily be diverted for nefarious purposes, creating an underground market which the DEA will then have to police.  While that may be fun for the DEA, that agency already has their hands full.  (I hear they’re working on moving hybrid strawberries to the drug scheduling list.)

My study has also shown that fluffy yeast rolls can become addicting, so I am advising that they be taken (or served) without the added butter, cheese, or mayonnaise.  Dosages should start off slow, then if the patient is unable to manage their hunger (or satisfy their taste buds) with the initial dosage, condiments can be added at a later date.

Before these rolls can be prescribed, doctors will need to perform the usual screenings for addiction (and unusual cravings for bread, especially ciabatta).  If the patient has any bakers in the family, I recommend that another drug be used, like french fries.

To protect patients from themselves, if any suspicious behavior or activity is witnessed while a patient is taking this drug, it must immediately be reported to a newly formed agency, the PPU. (The agency is so new, they haven’t figured out what their initials stand for yet.)

Wait, I think I hear something calling my name… the voice is saying, “eat me, eat me.”

Well, this is unusual.  I had no idea that rolls could cause oral hallucinations.  I better check into this… at some later date. But never fear, these side effects won’t make any difference to the information or conclusions in this report.  Please, eat as many rolls as you want. They’re safe. Trust me.

Let me explain: 50 Shades of Grey & BDSM.


The film is about an art dealer named Elizabeth and her sexual obsession, domination and finally degradation by a man named John, whom she meets by accident. As shot, the film, from the novel of the same name by Elizabeth McNeill, contains some explicit scenes with none-too-subtle overtones of sado-masochism, as the two engage in sexual games that become more and more uncontrolled…

Perhaps the most glaring example of using this strategy to draw out the effect the director wanted occurred during the shooting of a phony lover’s suicide pact. John convinces Elizabeth, who is totally under his spell, to swallow pills with him, matching him pill for pill. The episode is another of John’s games; the pills that Elizabeth thinks are killing her are made of sugar. The realization that their game-playing had actually come to the brink of death, and that she was ready to die for him is what motivates her to finally leave him. The entire scene, however, was later cut from the movie. Mr. Lyne said that audiences at previews found the scene simply too strong to take…

”We were shooting the suicide scene, and this woman was supposed to be totally devastated at this point. But Kim looked dewy and lovely. I stopped and called Mickey aside. I told him that the scene wasn’t working, that Kim had to be broken down.” He said that Mr. Rourke returned to the set and helped extract the effect the director wanted. He said Mr. Rourke grabbed Miss Basinger’s arm and held it tightly, refusing to let go. Miss Basinger began to cry and then shouted and struck Mr. Rourke. He then slapped her in the face. She began to weep hysterically. Mr. Lyne then said, ”Now let’s start the scene.”

Brainy quotes on Risk

“Risk isn’t a word in my vocabulary. It’s my very existence.”  Slash

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais Nin

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”  T. S. Eliot

“Creative people who can’t help but explore other mental territories are at greater risk, just as someone who climbs a mountain is more at risk than someone who just walks along a village lane.”  R. D. Laing

“I have long understood that losing always comes with the territory when you wander into the gambling business, just as getting crippled for life is an acceptable risk in the linebacker business. They both are extremely violent sports, and pain is part of the bargain. Buy the ticket, take the ride.”  Hunter S. Thompson

“If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”  Jim Rohn

“To believe in love, to be ready to give up anything for it, to be willing to risk your life for it, is the ultimate tragedy.”  Leonardo DiCaprio

“I don’t feel like I have anything to lose, so I don’t really understand what I’m putting at risk.” Heath Ledger

“Risk is trying to control something you are powerless over.” Eric Clapton

“Every man has the right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide?”  Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The Thin Blue Line

This is interesting stuff (what isn’t around here?) A reader sends this pic of a “thin blue line” license plate that is popping up on ABQ police squad cars. He writes:

Some argue the symbol simply shows support for fallen officers. Others view it as a continued “us versus them” demonstration by a police department that’s adamant that no one will tell it what to do. As a reminder, crossing “the thin blue line” is what got APD officer Sam Costales in trouble when he testified that fellow officers were lying.

Given the history of what the thin blue line means in Albuquerque, do these license plates have any business being on taxpayer-funded police vehicles? Is there an APD policy when it comes to placing political or social statements on police vehicles?

Help Could Be On The Way For Florida’s Pain Patients

“Anyone experiencing this problem is welcome to contact a caseworker in my office so that we can assist.”  U.S. Rep. Gus Bilirakis

This is help?