Photo: Ranch-style parsley yeast rolls, before butter.
Can you overdose on rolls?
To answer that question, I recently conducted an FDA-approved study, which included one participant, me. I don’t know how many rolls I’ve eaten — I stopped counting after the third one. But the FDA doesn’t require that I keep track of silly information like that for my study, so it’s all good.
I made the drugs (I mean, rolls) for the study myself, as evidenced by this photo I took yesterday. This is my own creation, rolls that I rolled in a dry mixture of fresh parsley, garlic powder, and ranch dressing mix. (Next, I may try jalapenos or fresh garlic.)
Since I’m the only participant in this FDA-approved-study-for-one, I ate all the drugs for the study myself. (The rest I stored in the freezer.) And I can report that they were delicious. Like, melt-in-your-mouth delicious. Seriously. (I think it’s the use of evaporated milk in the dough recipe.)
Did I put butter or cheese between the fluffy tops and bottoms, or did I coat some of the rolls with mayonnaise? Again, the FDA doesn’t require that I keep track of this kind of information, so I didn’t write it down. I would suggest that readers just use their imagination on this part.
I’ve concluded that no, you can’t overdose on bread or rolls. And I’m living proof! And I’ve written a study about it, too, see? You can trust me. Seriously.
However, I believe this drug (I mean, roll) can easily be diverted for nefarious purposes, creating an underground market which the DEA will then have to police. While that may be fun for the DEA, that agency already has their hands full. (I hear they’re working on moving hybrid strawberries to the drug scheduling list.)
My study has also shown that fluffy yeast rolls can become addicting, so I am advising that they be taken (or served) without the added butter, cheese, or mayonnaise. Dosages should start off slow, then if the patient is unable to manage their hunger (or satisfy their taste buds) with the initial dosage, condiments can be added at a later date.
Before these rolls can be prescribed, doctors will need to perform the usual screenings for addiction (and unusual cravings for bread, especially ciabatta). If the patient has any bakers in the family, I recommend that another drug be used, like french fries.
To protect patients from themselves, if any suspicious behavior or activity is witnessed while a patient is taking this drug, it must immediately be reported to a newly formed agency, the PPU. (The agency is so new, they haven’t figured out what their initials stand for yet.)
Wait, I think I hear something calling my name… the voice is saying, “eat me, eat me.”
Well, this is unusual. I had no idea that rolls could cause oral hallucinations. I better check into this… at some later date. But never fear, these side effects won’t make any difference to the information or conclusions in this report. Please, eat as many rolls as you want. They’re safe. Trust me.